We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
