I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
