It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
