My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
