hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
