You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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