we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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