I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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