Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
