Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
