I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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