Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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