You really coming over, don't trick.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
