somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
