All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
