the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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