He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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