my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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