The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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