Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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