I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Sober January is a disaster.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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