In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
