I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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