Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
