Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
