You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
