its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
