Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
