Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
