I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I cockslap morals
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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