i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
