I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
