So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
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and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
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