Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
