sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
