so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
