he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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