this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
