Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
