When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
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He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
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Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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