I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Rumble strips road head = magical
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
