I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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