I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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