Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
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You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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