A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
