benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
