i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
