you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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