I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
