Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
