I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just gargled with NyQuil
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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