I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
