I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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