I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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