Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
