you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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