I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
