i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
