i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
